


Idiots in Love

by IvanW



Series: The Professor-Cadet [23]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Defiance, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Rebellion, References to Past Suicide Attempt, Romance, Starfleet Academy, drunks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-06-07 23:24:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15230298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Jim isn't sure how to be Spock's boyfriend, but he's pretty sure he's doing it wrong.





	1. Grumpy & Dopey

“So, you really consider yourself happily relationshipped forever more?” His best friend, Leonard “Bones” McCoy asked Jim as he eyed him over the rim of his third glass of whiskey.

The place was crazy crowded and he was there with Bones, Gary Mitchell, Hikaru Sulu and his boyfriend, Ben. The others were around somewhere but Jim couldn’t be bothered to remember where.  The place was swarming with Academy cadets as the bar was very close to Starfleet Academy.

“Well, what does forever mean?”

“Sounds like the answer is no,” Bones said with a smirk.

“No. I mean. I live with him, Bones.”

“As of last week.”

“Yeah.” Jim picked up his own drink. “Obviously it’s serious.”

“So he’s your significant other?”

Jim winced. “No. I mean, that term. Don’t like it.”

“Boyfriend?”

“We try not to put a label on it,” Jim insisted as he took a drink.

“You try not to or he tries not to?”

“Both. I mean, fuck, Bones, he’s a Vulcan. If it wasn’t serious, he would never have asked me to share the apartment with him.”

“Hmm. Not sure I get this thing you have with him. Being a Vulcan, he only does serious. And you only do casual. How does that work?”

“Obviously one of us is compromising.”

Bones shrugged. “But which one?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Me obviously. I don’t know that Vulcans are even capable of compromising.”

“No labels, huh? I don’t know. Before you came home a month ago looking all dreamy-eyed, I didn’t even think Spock liked you.”

“Well, admittedly he’s kind of grumpy and has a hard time showing you that he likes you. Me. He likes me. Not you.”

Bones barked a laugh. “Thank God for that. But this whole moving in thing was pretty fast, right? It was, wasn’t it?”

“Well—”

“You two have moved pretty fast since the beginning, but still.”

Jim nodded. Fucked on the first date. Three times. The first time he’d been straddled on Spock’s dick while Spock sat on a dining room chair. Best damn night of his life. And the sex…yeah. Orgasmic didn’t even begin to describe it.

“It is what it is, Bones. We just, you know, fit, I guess.” But even he heard the uncertainty in his own voice. The doubt that had crept in. That he couldn’t even begin to deny or dismiss.

And Bones knew him too damn well, even in their short acquaintance. He was staring at Jim with far too much knowledge for someone who’d drank more than their fair share of whiskey and should be three sheets to the wind by now.

“But?”

Jim sighed. Shook his head. Took another sip. “We had a fight. A bad one.”

Bones frowned. “When?”

“Tonight. Before I came here.” Jim took another gulp of drink.

“About what? You wouldn’t put out?”

Jim snorted. “I _always_ put out for Spock. No worries there.”

“I wasn’t worried,” Bones said dryly. “What then?”

“He didn’t want me to come. _At all.”_

Jim had been faced with more icy disapproval from Spock than he’d faced prior to their couplehood. 

“He didn’t want you to come out with us tonight?”

“Yeah. He’s…he doesn’t like drinking. Or a lot of drinking. And he didn’t want me to go. He was in a really bad mood to begin with. I think he got bad news.”

“Yeah? What was it?”

“I have no idea.”

Bones downed his drink and gestured for another. “You want one?”

“Yeah.”

“Make that another for both of us,” Bones told the bartender. “He wouldn’t tell you?”

“I didn’t ask,” Jim admitted. “Spock’s really private, Bones. He doesn’t really share a lot with me.”

“You really have the oddest relationship.”

Jim thought maybe that was true. It wasn’t like he had a whole helluva a lot of practice with romantic relationships. Bones was right. Jim did casual.

Until Spock, anyway.

He was still a little perplexed at himself when he answered yes when Spock had asked, “I request that you move into this apartment with me. Since you are here every night, it only makes logical sense that you move your belongings here as well.”

Not the most heartwarming invitations, to be sure.

But Jim had stared at Spock, mouth hung open like he was going to catch flies, and then, suddenly he snapped it shut and said, “Okay.”

Spock had nodded, said nothing, and moved on to something else.

Yeah they really were the weirdest couple. Jim had thought maybe they worked, anyway. But then the fight.

“You could have just messaged me that you couldn’t come out tonight,” Bones said as he picked up the new drink he’d been given. “I would have understood.”

“I wouldn’t. Look, I didn’t move in with Spock to have him control me. I have to be able to continue living my life and sometimes I want to go out with my friends. He’s the pain in the ass who doesn’t want to come along.”

“Whoa whoa.” Bones put up his hands. “I’m not Spock. I get it.”

Jim groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Sorry. I guess I’m still kind of sore about it.”

“Maybe later when you two make up or whatever, which I so don’t want to know what _that_ entails, you can ask what made him so surly.”

“Like I said, he tends to be grumpy most of the time.”

“Okay, so if he’s grumpy, does that make you dopey? Because I’m obviously doc and you clearly aren’t bashful.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “You’re hilarious.”

“I try to be,” Bones cracked. “Grumpy and Dopey. That’s some sort of twisted fairytale.”

“Shut up, will you? _Doc_.”

And Bones laughed. Which got Jim laughing. And pretty soon they were laughing and falling off the stools, getting themselves hysterical over something Jim figured wasn’t that funny if he wasn’t far too drunk to think about it.

It was that moment Gary saddled up to join them. He put an arm around Bones’ shoulder and—

“Hey!” Jim yelped. “Did you actually just pinch my ass?”

“Knock it off, Mitchell,” Bones grumbled.

“Eh, I was just playing around anyway,” Gary said. “I know he’s a bitch for the Vulcan.”

“ _Gary_.”

“Just messing with him.”  Gary rubbed his knuckles over the top of Jim’s head. “Jim knows how much I adore him.”

“Stop touching me,” Jim said, swatting him away.

“Me and the guys want to get out of this place. It’s boring. There’s a place a couple of blocks from here we want to try.”

“What place?” Bones asked with a frown.

“Reynaldo’s.”

“I know that place. Gets kind of rowdy,” Jim said, finishing off his drink.

“Exactly. And they have topless dancers.”

“You’re a pig,” Jim told him.

“Yeah whatever. So were you until you met that dude with the stick up his ass. Let’s go.”

Bones looked at Jim. “I don’t know. Maybe Jim, you should go back home.”

Gary rolled his eyes and laughed. “Oh is it past his bedtime according to Spock?”

“No,” Jim snapped. He slammed his drink down. “Okay, Reynaldo’s it is.”


	2. Insecure Drunk

Jim felt far too drunk. More drunk than he should have felt considering his alcohol tolerance. He was only on his second drink at Reynaldo’s and yet he was definitely having trouble thinking clearly.

“Are the rumors true?” Gary demanded, seated directly beside him at a table they’d snagged when they’d first arrived. Bones was somewhere on the dance floor. He’d danced with a guy, then a girl, and Jim thought maybe he was dancing with them both at the moment.

“Rumors?”

Gary leered at him. “About how many dicks you can take.”

“Fuck off.”

“Hey, I’m just saying. I’ve heard it’s four. Two in your ass and two in your mouth. But I gotta say—”

“I think what you gotta do is shut the fuck up,” Jim snarled. “Why are you always such an asshole?”

Jim was really starting to wonder why in the hell Gary was part of their group of friends. Sure, he’d been brought in by Finnegan, who was no longer part of their group, but instead of following Finnegan, Gary had stayed with them. He thought Gary and Sulu had fucked maybe, before Sulu had met Ben. Jim didn’t know for sure and didn’t want to know, honestly.

“You’re always so touchy now,” Gary grumbled. “Ever since you started playing house with Professor Spock. Which, really, how does that work? You’re a cadet, he’s a professor.”

“I’m not his student. We cleared it.”

“Still I bet there’s an unfair advantage there somewhere.”

“There isn’t. I’m not even allowed to take the Kobayashi Maru a second time because he programmed it.”

“Hm. Getting back to rumors, is it true he has two dicks?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “What Spock has or doesn’t have is totally none of your damn business. What is your business is I’m about two minutes away from bashing your stupid face in.”

But Gary just grinned. “Like I said, touchy. There’s no rumor like that. I was just trying to get a rise out of you. You’re too easy, Jimmy.”

Jim really had begun to wish he had gone home to Spock. Yeah, okay, Spock was grumpy as hell, and probably would be extra pissy at Jim for going out with the guys anyway, but at least he’d be dealing with Spock and not this fuckwad.

Sulu suddenly arrived back at their table and reached for Jim’s drink, replacing it with one that looked just like it. He shot a look at Gary. “Try that one, Jim. I think it’s probably fresher tasting.”

Jim frowned and picked it up, taking a sip. “It does taste better. Not as bitter tasting.”

Gary made a noise and then rose up from his seat. “Gonna find someone to dance with.”

Sulu watched him leave, just as his boyfriend, Ben, arrived, taking the seat Gary had just vacated. “Be careful with him, Jim. I’m pretty sure he’s been doctoring your drinks.”

“What? Why?”

Ben snorted. “Why do you think? Mitchell’s known for that sort of thing.” He looked pointedly at Sulu.

Jim stared at Sulu. “You?”

Sulu nodded, looking pissed. “Yeah. I’m sure you heard that when he first joined our group, we fucked. Only Gary had a little help.”

“Shit. Why didn’t you bring him up on charges?”

“I couldn’t prove anything. It was my word against his and one of the advisors on campus is his father’s best friend.” Sulu grimaced. “But I sure as hell watch my drinks now. And you should too. Last thing you need is someone like him fucking things up for you.”

Ben squeezed Jim’s arm. “We’re going to go do some more dancing, but we wanted to talk to you first. Make sure you knew. Be careful.”

He got up and so did Sulu.

“Thanks, guys. I feel kind of stupid,” Jim admitted.

“Nah, you trust someone who is supposed to be your friend,” Sulu said. “I did too.”

Still as they moved back to the dance floor, Jim couldn’t help but think of himself as pretty dumb. When did that happen, anyway? He used to be savvy.

The truth was he wasn’t even sure why he was with Spock. Well, really, why Spock was with him. And yeah, there was a big difference. They had basically nothing in common. Spock was all about science, Jim was all about command. Spock was careful, methodical, and valued safety and security. Jim had an addiction to danger.

Jim liked to flirt, Spock didn’t even know how. In fact, once when Jim said something to him about it, Spock had replied, “What is the point of flirting when I can simply state my interest in you?”

Jim guessed he had a point.

Spock was neat. Almost a neat freak. Jim definitely was not. Jim liked to party and Spock liked to stay home. Spock was a vegetarian and Jim hardly liked vegetables at all. Spock was nearly always serious and Jim hardly ever was. The list could go on and on of their differences, really.

Physical attraction was great. Nothing wrong with that. And Spock was the hottest being Jim had ever seen or been with.

Spock had told Jim he found Jim’s mind stimulating. And the first time they’d fucked on Spock’s chair, Jim had been a smart ass and asked if it was his mind that made Spock fuck him so hard. Spock had given him a sardonic look which both shut Jim up and got him hotter still. Spock was good at that.

Spock was good at everything. Gorgeous, fucking brilliant, strong, brave, calm.

Why was he with Jim again?

He wouldn’t be for long. Serious or not, Spock would realize Jim’s great ass and cute smile wouldn’t be enough to hold his interest. And damn, drinking was making Jim melancholy.

He downed the drink Sulu had brought him and instantly regretted it because his stomach just rolled. Jim was pretty sure he might puke. And he needed to get out of Reynaldo’s. Which meant finding Bones.

He got up from the table and went out to the dance floor, looking for his friend, trying not to sway too much or throw up on anyone.

“Bones!” Jim grabbed his friend by the shoulders when he saw him.

“You look like hell, Jim.”

“Want to go home.”

Bones nodded and turned to the couple he was dancing with. “Duty calls.” He held Jim’s hand and pulled him from the dance floor. “Let me get the others. I think I might need their help getting you home. Stay here.”

Jim leaned against the wall, hand over his mouth, and waited. Thankfully it wasn’t too long.

“We’ve got you, Jim,” Sulu declared.

“Where’s Gary?” Jim mumbled.

“Eh, he’s staying,” Bones said. “Good riddance. Come on. Let’s get you home before you puke all over the hover cab.”


	3. Breaking

Jim was pretty sure he was going to throw up the entire ride back to the apartment he shared with Spock, but he never did. He felt incredibly drunk and he couldn’t help but wonder how much of whatever Gary had slipped into his drink did he actually consume.

It took Bones, Sulu, and Ben to help him get up to the apartment.

“Open the door,” Bones said.

Jim stared at the door. “Huh?”

“Your key, Jim,” Sulu said patiently.

Jim thought. Which wasn’t easy.

Bones sighed and pulled Jim out of the way. “Forget it.” He knocked hard.

The door opened only seconds later. Or Jim thought so anyway. Spock stood in the doorway staring balefully at them.

“What is happening?”

Jim actually took a step backward.

Bones stepped forward. “We brought Jim home.”

Spock just continued to stare at them and Jim was pretty sure he heard himself whimper.

“Are you going to let us bring him inside or what?” Bones demanded, beginning to sound a lot more surly than he had a moment ago.

Without a word, Spock stepped aside, but he held the door for them. Jim tried to take a step forward on his own but he stumbled and started to go down. Sulu and Ben grabbed him, hoisting him up and through the doorway into the apartment.

They brought him over to the couch and deposited him there. Jim saw Spock’s gaze flick to him and then to the others.

“Now, listen, you should know—”

“Leave.”

Bones frowned. “Look, you hobgoblin, I—”

“Bones. No.”

His friend closed his mouth.

Jim gave him a pleading look.

Bones shook his head, sighed, and went over to Sulu and Ben. “Let’s get out of here. We’re clearly not welcome.”

Jim went to stand, to talk to his friends, to explain, but he couldn’t stand without getting dizzy. He watched his friends leave and then Spock closed the door after them.

For several moments neither of them said a word.

When Jim couldn’t stand it any longer, he said, “They were just helping me.”

“Because you could not make it here on your own, I am aware.”

Jim opened his mouth to say something else and his stomach lurched. He clamped his hand over his mouth.

“I will get you water,” Spock announced.

As soon as Spock walked away, Jim struggled up from the couch and stumbled his way to the bathroom to empty his stomach. He knelt in front of the toilet and threw up.

He’d lost count of how many times he had when he finally leaned back against the wall. Spock stood in the doorway of the bathroom holding a glass of water.

Jim closed his eyes. “I know how bad this looks.”

“I doubt that you do,” Spock responded in a quiet voice. “I was unaware you had a drinking problem.”

Jim barked a laugh even though it wasn’t funny. “A drinking problem? Spock, I don’t have a _drinking problem_.”

“Tonight seems to have proven otherwise.”

“I went out with friends for the night. It was no big deal.” Or it wasn't supposed to be. He buried his head in his hands. “You know what? You have me at a huge disadvantage. Can I get up off the floor?”

Spock set the glass of water on the sink. “I will wait in the living room.”

Jim didn’t get up for another five minutes, but when he did he had to hold onto the sink. He drank the entire glass of water. And still he waited another five minutes before going out.

Whatever news Spock had received was obviously terrible because Spock was definitely in prime bitch mode.  Jim should have asked hm about it. He knew he should have. That’s what boyfriend’s did, right? They shared burdens. And Jim should have stayed home and comforted Spock. So what he should do is go out there and apologize.

Jim totally sucked at apologizing too but he was going to have to find a way to get better at it. He studied himself in the mirror. God, he looked like hell too.

“Fuck.”

Sticking his brave face on, he went out to face Spock and apologize.

Spock was pacing. Not at all a good sign.

“Spock, I—”

The Vulcan stopped pacing and turned toward him, his dark eyes flashing. “Your drunken state upon returning was distasteful to me.”

“Yeah, I know. I get it. The thing is, it’s not like I do this every night. I just-I wanted to go out with my friends. And it got out of hand. I know that.”

“I asked you not to go out.”

A bit of anger hit him. “You didn’t _ask_ , you demanded that I not go.”

“That is semantics. You were very aware I strongly objected to your outing. Frivolities are-"

“This is not…” Jim stopped. Put his hand on his still upset stomach. “I’m not going to give up going out to see my friends. If that’s what you expected, maybe you should have thought twice about asking me to live with you.”

“I am beginning to come to that same conclusion,” Spock said so softly that Jim had to strain to hear him.

And Jim felt like he had been slapped. Hard. Maybe he was still a little drunk and Jim misheard him. But he knew that wasn’t the case.

He glanced at the apartment door. Didn’t look at Spock. “I’ll see that my stuff is out of here tomorrow.”

Spock said nothing.

Jim closed his eyes briefly and then left the apartment, not even slamming the door. He took the stairs instead of the lift and by the time he made it to the ground floor, he was sweating and nauseous.

He stepped out of the building, sucking in air. He made it halfway down the street and then had to stop, leaning against the nearest building. Just as he was about to move, a man came up to him, a stranger, and stuck a gun in his side.

****

“ _Jim_!”

Jim tried out a smile for Bones as his friend rushed over to his hospital bed. But it hurt his bruised and battered jaw.

“I’m okay, Bones.”

“Mugged! How the hell did you get mugged? Where are your doctors? I want to talk to them.”

“Around here somewhere,” Jim said tiredly. “They’re keeping me overnight. But I’m just…I have a cracked head, and some bruises. They fixed my broken jaw.”

“Jesus. How did this happen?”

Jim shook his head.

“When I left you, you were still in your apartment.”

“Not my apartment anymore.”

Bones came closer and gripped his arm. “What. Happened?”

“Spock kicked me out.”

“He what?”

“Well, not really. But, well, I left. I’m sure he probably thought I was going to your place.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Well.” Jim gestured to himself. “I was too out of it to pay attention to what was around me.”

“Spock—”

“Spock is history, Bones. Never mind about him. Tomorrow I’ll make sure to get my stuff. I guess you’re stuck with me.”

“I can’t believe he’d let you leave in the condition you were in. What the hell is wrong with him?”

 “Don’t blame him. It’s me. I wasn’t who he thought I was.”

“He’s not who I thought _he_ was either,” Bones muttered. “You’re going to tell me every detail later. But I’m going to find your doctors.”

Jim was too worn out and tired and sad to argue. “Okay. Can you send someone in here with tea?”

“I will get it. Be right back.”

Jim closed his eyes and tried to sleep until Bones returned.   


	4. Onward

“Here you go, Jim.”

He opened his eyes to Bones’ soft voice and gentle touch on his hand. Bones was holding out a cup with steaming hot tea in it.

“Thanks.”

“Need me to help you?”

“No,” Jim replied, taking the cup. “My hands still work. One of them, he stepped on, but I guess the hospital took care of that.” He tried to smile but it faltered and he felt the sting of tears filling his eyes instead.

_Damn._

“Jim,” Bones said, reaching for the hand that didn’t hold the cup. “It’s going to be okay, kid.”

“I know.” Except it didn’t feel like it was at all. He ached all over. All his identification and credits were gone. He was in the hospital. And Spock had dumped him.

“I’m going to stay here with you tonight.”

“Bones, you don’t have to.”

“Yes, I do. I don’t think you should be alone. Not like this. You’re sad and you’ve been injured. I’m staying,” Bones vowed.

Jim tried not to see the way Bones looked at his wrists. There were no scars. Those had been taken care of at his mother’s insistence. Jim wished he had kept his mouth shut.

He took back his hand and wiped his eyes. “I should be in love with you.”

Bones smiled. “Yeah, you should. But that would be icky since we’re like brothers.”

He laughed a little, even if it was forced.

“So.” Bones looked away, his gaze flitting over the room and then back to Jim. “In love, huh?”

“It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. And now I’m laying here with a broken heart. Sometimes I wonder, Bones, just how much I’m meant to take.”

“Spock’s a fool,” Bones reached for Jim’s hand again. “Listen, I have to ask you this because I said I would.”

“Huh?”

“Your doctors, the hospital. They just want to know…given everything, _did_ you get mugged, or did Spock—”

“No! God. No, Bones. Spock didn’t touch me. He wouldn’t.”

“Okay.” Bones nodded. “And based on your test results, Gary did slip you something. A doozy. I think you should press charges.”

“Problem is how can I prove it, Bones?”

“Still.”

Jim shook his head. “I’ll think about it.” He closed his eyes briefly and it allowed a tear to fall down his cheek. “This was one hell of a fucked up night.”

“I’ll say. And I’m really sorry, Jim. I should have kept a better eye on Gary. Whatever else happens, we’re done with that asshole. And I should have insisted on staying to talk to Spock about what happened. I can’t believe after you told him, he kicked you out.”

“He didn’t exactly kick me out. I mean, he wanted me gone, I think. But he didn’t tell me to leave. He just said he regretted asking me to live there. Can you do me a favor, Bones? Can you maybe ask Hikaru and Ben to go and get my stuff from there? I really don’t want to go back there again.”

“Of course I will.”

Jim sighed. “As for Spock, I never got the chance to tell him about what Gary did. It all escalated before that ever happened. It doesn’t matter now, anyway. And I’m not even sure it would have made a difference. He didn’t want me to go period. If anything, that would probably have given him reason to think he could tell me he was right and told me so.”

Bones grimaced. “Want to tell me about it?”

“You saw how pissed he was. I should have stayed home.”

“Jim—”

“No, I should have, Bones. He obviously needed me to be there. No idea why but he did."

“Then he should have explained it better.”

“Yeah. Anyway, things went from bad to worse when you guys left.” He sniffed and reach for a tissue to wipe his nose. “I got sick. I mean really violently.”

“Not surprised. That shit Mitchell gave you. I’m going to have words with that piece of shit.”

“It had to be that stuff. I haven’t been that fucked up since I was a kid and got stupid. I had decided to tell Spock I was sorry.”

“But?”

Jim sighed, bit his lip. “I reacted badly to what he said. He was getting all judgy on me and I said something really idiotic. I said he should have thought twice about asking me to live with him.”

“And?”

“He agreed.” Jim picked at the hem of his hospital gown. “I said I’d pick my stuff up tomorrow and then I left. He didn’t try to stop me. I was still feeling really bad when I left. I was going to go find you. Get to your place.” He paused. “Our place. But I was resting. Thinking about calling you to come and get me.  Then this fucker got up in my face and stuck some kind of gun in my stomach. A phaser of some kind. Next think I knew he had knocked me down and was beating the shit out of me.”

“You could have been killed.”

“I know. I think that was his intention, honestly. Somebody came along and scared him away. They’re the ones that got me to the hospital.”

“Are you absolutely certain you don’t want me to contact Spock?”

“Positive. I’m a sucky boyfriend for him.”    

“I never knew what you ever saw in him anyway.”

Jim pretty much figured he wasn’t sure what Spock ever saw in him. It just proved that fantastic sex wasn’t enough to build a relationship.

He finished his tea and then Bones lowered his bed so he could try and sleep.

****   

“Okay,” Bones announced in a voice full of false cheer. “All your paperwork has been taken care of and you’re released into my care. We can go.”

“Fantastic.”

“You want to stop on the way back to _our_ apartment to get something to eat?”

Jim didn’t miss his emphasis on our. The first few months, they’d done the dorm thing at the Academy, but they didn’t really like it, so they’d found a small apartment just on the south side of the Academy. Spock’s had been on the opposite side to the North. His place had been bigger and nicer than his place with Bones, which was kind of a dump really and in a worse neighborhood, which was funny considering he got mugged in Spock’s.

“No. Not hungry.”

“Jim, you haven’t eaten anything since before we went drinking. You need to get food in your stomach.”

“Right now the thought of food makes me sick,” Jim protested.

“I’ll make you soup then. You have to eat, Jim. It’s probably why you still feel bad.” He grabbed Jim’s arm and stared at him. “You’re still really pale. How do you feel?”

“Like I got my ass kicked last night,” Jim admitted. “A little woozy.”

“And how do you feel about Spock?”

“It hurts. It does. I-I really liked him. A lot. Loved him I guess. But I have to get over that. Onward, right?”

Bones didn’t say anything at first. But then he nodded. “Yes. Hikaru and Ben are going over there this afternoon for your things.”

“Luckily I didn’t have much. Just tell them to ask Spock what’s mine. I’m sure he’ll be happy to have it gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next few chapters will be from Spock's POV


	5. Heartache

Spock woke to an empty bed and illogical regrets. He lingered, there sunlight streaming through the sheer curtains, and onto the space where Jim was supposed to lay. Spock had chosen this place originally because of the way the morning sun would light the master bedroom. In the week that Jim had been there, his choosing the apartment seemed to have been fortuitous. Jim seemed to sparkle in the sun.

He should have gone after Jim when he had left the night before. Spock knew that. He knew it at the time, but he had let pride rule him. Pride and hurt and anger. Spock felt as conflicted as he had as a child, fighting to control emotions as his father and others wanted him.

It had been that pride, hurt and anger that had caused him to speak harshly to Jim and imply that asking Jim to live with him had been in error. Jim was the most emotional being Spock had ever encountered. He most certainly should have guessed how Jim would react.

And so he had not followed after Jim, and instead held onto a fruitless hope that Jim would turn around and come back on his own. When it became clear that he had not, Spock thought perhaps a night parted might be better for both of them.

But waking up without Jim by his side was far more painful than he had imagined. Their relationship had only began a short time ago. For humans, Spock knew they were moving fast. It was only that early on, Spock had discovered the truth of just what and who Jim was to him.

Spock finally rose from bed and went in to the bathroom to take his shower and ready himself for the day. He was fortunate he had no courses to teach that day for Spock would not have felt like doing so, yet he would have, as duty was before all else.

After his shower, he dressed in the jeans his mother had sent him in her last care package, as well as a sweater the color of pine needles.

As he went out to the kitchen, Spock was struck by the horrible silence of the apartment. When Jim was there the sound could be nearly deafening, distracting, annoying even, and now he wished that the apartment was filled with Jim.

Spock paused to look at his discarded PADD on the bar counter leading into the kitchen. Before he’d finally gone to bed, meditation had entirely escaped him, he had repeatedly checked for messages from Jim. None had come.

He picked it up and his gaze went to the message he’d received yesterday morning between classes he had been instructing.

_Dearest Spock_

_I am sorry, my darling. I wish I had better news. Your Uncle Denny was killed in an accident in the Boston area yesterday. Your Aunt Vivian told me that he had started drinking again. After we had thought it stopped. She’s beside herself. I’ve spoken to your father about coming to Earth, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen right now. During the accident, another innocent person was killed along with your uncle._

_As soon as I know more, I will contact you. Please take care of yourself and we’ll talk more about your news of Jim when things settle down with Vivian._

_Love, Mother_

His uncle, Denny, had been married to Mother’s sister, Vivian. Though they had not seen them often, when Spock was a child, Denny had been a particular favorite of Spock’s. The times he had spent with Denny, Spock had greatly looked forward to. Until one day when Denny had violently struck Aunt Vivian in front of Spock. He’d been told afterward by both Mother and Father that it happened because Denny drank too much alcohol. Spock had never forgotten Vivian’s devastated face just before she had broken out into heart wrenching sobs. And Spock had never forgiven his uncle. Even long after everyone else did. After everyone else said Denny didn’t drink anymore and everything was right between him and Vivian. Spock never believed that.

Still, for the uncle that Spock had once loved, receiving the news of his death and that he had taken the life of another, had been quite a blow. Spock had spent the rest of the day in something of a fogged haze.

Spock should have told Jim everything. Yes, he knew that now. But he hadn’t. Because Spock was still processing it himself. And he just didn’t talk about personal things with…anyone. He never had. And when he’d come home, he’d snapped at Jim a few times over foolish things, now Spock knew, and Jim got that look in his eyes that made Spock cringe whenever he saw it. It was that abused animal look. And Jim’s shields, the mental block he wasn’t even aware he had, came slamming into place.

Then Jim had brought up how he was going out _drinking_ with friends. He’d told Spock it was with his friend, Bones, Jim called him, though Spock never knew why, and then he’d mentioned Gary Mitchell, and Spock did not like nor trust Mitchell. Spock wished that Jim would choose better friends. He’d said that out loud which only made Jim more defensive and more determined to ignore anything Spock said about not going.

And then Jim had left. Never asking Spock what was wrong, though Spock had a feeling Jim noticed that Spock was not quite himself, and Spock was left thinking about his uncle, his aunt, and Jim. And the drinking.

Yesterday had been one disaster after another. Spock could not have had a worse day. But today, Jim would return, and they would talk and everything would work out. Because it had to.

Jim was his t’hy’la.

Spock had not yet told him this. Because, well, humans didn’t understand everything there was about Vulcans and bonds. He had wanted to speak to his parents and get advice. And he would explain everything to Jim when the time was right. But so far it had never been right.

He made himself tea and attempted to eat a piece of toast with jam on it. The toast tasted like sawdust and the jam like thick colored water. He recalled that his friend, Nyota Uhura, was coming later. They were supposed to go out for brunch. Only Spock had forgotten to cancel. He was in no mood for brunch out in a restaurant.

There was a stern knock at the door and Spock slammed his teacup down hard, splashing tea, as he hurried forward. It must be Jim. Jim who never seemed to remember where his key was. Jim was back. And they would talk.

But on the other side of the door was Jim’s friend, Sulu, and his boyfriend, whose name totally left Spock’s mind at the moment, which should tell him something was definitely wrong with him.

“Jim is not here,” Spock said, tamping down on his disappointment.

“Yeah, I know. We’re here to get his things, Professor,” Sulu said.

His things.

_“I’ll see that my stuff is out of here tomorrow.”_

“If you’ll just show us his stuff,” Sulu said. “We’ll get it fast and get out of your hair.”

“Where is Jim that he is not getting it himself?” Spock stepped back to allow them inside.

Sulu exchanged a look with his boyfriend. “He was released from the hospital this morning, Professor.”

“The hospital?”

“Jim was mugged just outside your apartment last night, sir,” the other man said.

“Is he—?”

“He’s going to be all right,” Sulu replied. “They fixed his broken jaw and—”

Spock felt queasy as Sulu rattled off Jim’s injuries.

“Plus they had to get the drugs out of him,” the boyfriend said when Sulu had stopped.

Spock’s gaze flicked to him. “What drugs?”

Sulu frowned. “Didn’t he tell you? Mitchell slipped him some date rape stuff. Anyway, if you’ll just show us his things, we can get out of here.”

He was staring hard at Spock, like he thought Spock was beneath him or a real asshole. And Spock figured from his point of view Spock probably was. Spock was used to getting looks from others that indicated they thought they were better than him, but that it came from Jim’s friends, well, it bothered him.

Without another word, Spock led them into the bedroom and pointed out clothes and belongings in the closet that Jim had brought with him. Once back in the living room, he pointed out Jim’s favorite chair, which they picked up and took with them.

“That is it,” Spock told them. “He did not arrive with much.” Perhaps anticipating that he wouldn’t want to stay with Spock for long.

“Okay, thanks, Professor,” Sulu’s boyfriend said. “Sorry to bother you.”

And they were gone. With Jim’s belongings.

Spock remembered his mother once telling him after a particularly challenging day at school when he was a boy, “Things will look better in the morning.”

She had been wrong.


	6. Spock's Friend

Spock is sitting on the couch staring into space, not really meditating, but not allowing thoughts to fully form in his head either, when there is another knock on the door.

Given the time, Spock anticipates it is Nyota come for their brunch that he failed to cancel. He opens the door to her.

“Spock, good morn—” Her smile slipped from her face. “Oh, my God. Who died? Spock?”

“Actually my uncle,” he replies. “There was an accident.”

“Oh no! Which uncle?”

“Denny. My aunt’s husband. He was drinking, apparently, and caused an accident that resulted in the death of both himself and an innocent bystander.”

“That’s awful. Are you going to Boston?”

In truth, Spock had not even considered that. Perhaps if his mother could not make the trip from Vulcan to see Aunt Vivian, Spock should. He had no real desire to depart San Francisco. And Jim.

Jim.

“I am uncertain.”

Nyota was watching him, carefully, in that assessing way she had. She was his closest and oldest friend since arriving on Earth. Someone he knew long before Jim had come into his life. A confidant when he’d had so few.

“Spock, is there something else wrong?”

“I…yes. Jim has-Jim has ended our relationship.” Even saying the words made Spock feel dizzy, sick.

Her eyes widened and she grabbed his arm. “Sit down, Spock. You look a little unsteady.”

He did as she said because he felt very uncertain. His mind was not as sharp as it should be.

Nyota sat beside him. “Why would Jim end things? I don’t understand. He’s your t’hy’la.”

And that was perhaps one of the problems Spock would not be dealing with if he had actually told Jim this instead of only Nyota. Somehow Jim finding out that Nyota knew before him, Spock knew would not go well.

“We-we had a fight. It went very badly.”

“Still. He broke up with you over a fight? Couples fight sometimes, Spock.”

“Vulcans do not engage in arguments,” he said faintly.

“Honey, then it’s your human side arguing.” She touched his arm. “Are you sure that Jim is really your t’hy’la? I mean if he would end things over a fight, I just…shouldn’t he be as drawn to you as you are to him? Spock, maybe you got it wrong.”

Did he? Spock didn’t think so. He’d been so sure. Jim’s mind was the most amazing thing he had every experienced. Setting aside his extreme attraction to Jim physically, there could be no mistaking that dynamic mind that had clicked into place with his.

“I spoke foolishly in anger to him,” Spock told her. “He is…very sensitive. He had a disturbing childhood and does not react well to adversity. I wanted something from him yesterday that he seemed unable to provide and in my hurt and disappointment, I spoke cruelly to him. I implied that I regretted our association and having him move in with me.”

Nyota did not respond at first. She just continued to watch Spock in that calm, rather soothing way she had. And in fact, Spock felt some gratitude. He was uncertain he could handle the barely repressed hostility he’d sensed from Sulu and his boyfriend. Not that he would expect that from Nyota.

Finally she took his hand and squeezed it gently in her grip. “Spock, I know you would never deliberately hurt anyone, let alone Jim. If he really is your t’hy’la then he’ll understand that. Where is he now? Do you want me to talk to him?”

“He-he was mugged last night outside our-my apartment.”

“It’s just one thing after another, isn’t it? Is he okay? How bad is it?”

Spock shook his head. “He is out of the hospital I have been told by his friends who came to collect his belongings. He has, no doubt, returned to residence with his friend, Leonard McCoy. I was told that he had his jaw broken but that it is fixed.”

And just like that Spock could not handle anymore. He covered his face with his hands, turning away from Nyota so she could not see his shame. It had all become so overwhelming he wished he was no longer on Earth and was back on Vulcan, considering Kolinahr once more.

He felt her hands on his shoulders and then she was pulling him into an embrace. Spock let her.  

After a time, she released him, got up and then returned with tea and a small dinner roll. She smiled gently at him as she knelt in front of him.

“You should eat something and have tea.”

“I do not want—”

“Please. I hate seeing you like this. You need to take care of yourself. I’m worried, Spock.”

“There is no need.” He took the tea cup from her.

“I don’t believe that. You’re…despondent. You aren’t acting like yourself at all.”

Spock stared into the tea, his mouth curving downward. “The-the bond feels damaged.”

“Oh.” Nyota gasped. “Spock, no. Are you certain?”

“It feels wrong,” he whispered. “Hurt. Dark.”

Her mouth thinned. “You need Jim. And I can’t leave you alone. Not like this.” She bit her lip. “I’m going to contact your family.”

“Nyota—”

“No, Spock. What if you need a healer or something? I need to know. And somehow I have to find a way to reach Jim. He’d better get his ass home.”  


	7. Too Soon

Jim cradled his head and groaned.

“That’s it, you’re going back to the hospital.”

Jim looked up quickly from his spot on the couch. Too quickly, because it just made his head ache more. He couldn’t hold back another moan of pain. “Bones, what?”

“They released you too soon,” Bones said, glaring down at Jim. “Look at you, Jim. You’re in severe pain. That head injury needs more care and more tests. I’ll get your coat.”

“Bones, no. I’ll be okay.”

“In a pig’s eye. I’m going.”

Jim closed his eyes as Bones walked away, presumably to get Jim’s coat. He felt the buzz of his communicator in his pocket. He fished it out and stared at the name.

_Nyota Uhura_.

Spock’s friend. No thanks. If it wasn’t Spock his fucking self, they could forget it. He hit ignore and returned it to his pocket.

And damn if his heart didn’t hurt more than his head. He should have fought Spock harder when he’d come back from the bar. He shouldn’t have even said what he said about not living with Spock but when Spock agreed, Jim should have argued. Right?

It might not have mattered, but he should have tried, right? And he kept hoping that Spock would contact him. And say he was sorry and didn’t mean any of it.

“Okay, Jim, get up and put your coat on.”

“Bones.”

Bones sat down on the coffee table in front of Jim. “Listen, kid, I’m worried. Maybe it’ll go away on its own, but I want you to have a scan to be safe. If it’s nothing to worry about we’ll be back here in a few hours and I’ll pick you up a nice big hamburger.”

What he wanted was Spock, not something to eat. He should have stayed home. Why was he so damn stubborn? Yes, he deserved to spend time with his friends, but it wasn’t _that_ important.

“Okay.” He struggled up from the couch and Bones helped him.

Bones looked at his face and frowned. “Jim, it’ll be okay. Just a test—”

“No, I know. I’m just…I wish Spock was here.”

He looked around the apartment and his stuff was there, the stuff Sulu and Ben fetched for him from Spock’s apartment, but it didn’t look right. This place, with Bones, was no longer home. Not for him. Which was stupid, of course, he’d only been with Spock a short time. Why should it hurt _so_ much?

Because he was in love. He was desperately, hopelessly in love with Spock.

Bones nodded. “I know. But let’s deal with one pain at a time, all right? Come on.”

****

Jim was run through a battery of tests and Bones’ insistence and there was nothing more than the concussion and head injury than they had already found. Which was good, Jim thought, so he was surprised when Bones told him they were admitting him again.

“What? Why?”

“Just for observation, Jim.”

“This was your damn idea, Bones,” Jim accused.

“Jim, maybe it was. But I just want to be sure.”

“You promised I could go home.” Okay, maybe he was being petulant, but God, why did he have to stay there again?

“They released you too early,” Bones protested. “You shined those blue eyes at them and they caved to what you wanted. Just one night. And I’ll still get you that hamburger.”

Jim glared at him.

“A strawberry shake too.” Bones hugged him. “I love you, okay? I want you to be okay.” He took a deep breath. “Physically and mentally.”

Jim sighed. “All right. But make it a cheeseburger. And make the shake strawberry and vanilla swirled.”

“I will. Now let me help you into a gown and into the bed.”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not an invalid. I can do it myself. You go get my food.”

Bones handed him the gown. “Tie it—”

“In the back. Yeah, yeah. I know.”

Jim gave Bones a strained smile and then changed out of his clothes as soon as Bones left the hospital room. He put on the gown, put his clothes aside, and crawled into the bed, feeling a little sorry for himself.

He was under no delusion that Spock couldn’t have behaved better too. Spock could be a prissy jerk when he wanted to be and it certainly wasn’t the first time Jim had experienced that. When they’d first met, Jim hadn’t even liked Spock and the dislike was entirely mutual.

But that seemed forever ago now and Jim most certainly liked Spock now. And the think was, despite everything, Jim was almost positive Spock liked him too. Jim didn’t know all there was to know about Vulcans but he knew they didn’t treat relationships casually and that Spock would never have suggested Jim moving in if Spock hadn’t meant it. At the time anyway.

It was about a half an hour later when Bones returned holding a greasy paper sack and a giant cup with a spoon sticking out of the lid.

“Cheeseburger and strawberry vanilla swirl shake. Shake’s pretty think so I brought you a spoon.”

Jim smiled as he took it. “You’re the best. Well, the second best, anyway.”

“Who’s the best?” Bones scowled. Then held up his hands. “Don’t even say it if it starts with an ‘S’.”

Jim sighed and took a bite of the burger. “It’s good.”

Bones smiled. “I’ll be back in a jiffy. And chew and swallow that like a person and not some ravenous animal.”

Jim stuck his tongue out. He tried to eat the burger slow, but it was damn good and so pretty soon he had finished it, wiped his mouth, and reached for the shake.

It was then Bones came back in. “How’s the head feeling?”

Jim shrugged. “A little better. Those pain pills kicked in I think.”

“Good, good.” He shifted uneasily.

“What?”

His friend sighed. “Listen, there’s no good way to say this. I contacted Spock to get him to come down here and see you.”

The burger lay heavy in his stomach. Jim clutched the shake and stared at him. “He-he wouldn’t come?”

Bones grimaced and swore. “No. It’s not that. I-I never got the chance to tell him to come. Uhura told me…he’s on his way to Vulcan, Jim.”

“Oh.”

“Jim, I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. If Spock went home then, he guessed it really was over.

So much for being in love.

“It’s all right, Bones. I’m okay.”

“Sure you are.”

Jim tried a smile that surely broke his face. “I am. Got my shake. What more could I guy ask for?”

Bones slowly nodded. But he still looked mad enough to spit. “I’ll be back,” he said again, and left Jim to his shake and his broken heart.    


	8. Communication

Jim had managed to fall asleep. Somehow. He hadn’t thought he could, really. Between thinking of how badly his relationship with Spock had gone and his headache and having to deal with the fact he’d gotten the crap beaten out of him, not to mention all the noise in the hospital, he’d been convinced it would never happen.

It was possible Bones had slipped him something in that last cup of herbal tea he’d given Jim. But anyway, whatever, he found himself suddenly awake and staring at the hospital ceiling through bleary eyes.

The weird thing was he had was torn between feeling super groggy and the feeling he was not alone. Someone was there. And it didn’t feel like Bones. Which how did Bones feel, anyway? Nor did he think it was a nurse.

There was a familiarity to the presence that Jim wasn’t sure he could pinpoint.

He’d fallen asleep in the upright position, so he turned his head to the right but there was nothing. No one. With a frown he turned it to the left.

Jim sucked in a breath.

“Spock,” he said, faintly.

The Vulcan sat in a chair, head bent forward awkwardly. He was in danger of slipping out of the chair onto the floor.

His heart sped up. He made a fist in the blankets over his bed.

“Spock,” he spoke louder this time.

Spock was not one to jar awake, not that Jim had ever seen anyway, and so Jim watched as his bent head slowly raised and the dark eyes opened to stare at Jim unseeingly at first.

“Spock, what are you…” Jim stopped, his throat feeling unexpectedly obstructed. “What are you doing here?”

“You are in the hospital.” His voice, his words, came out as a hoarse whisper.

“But—”

Spock stood up from the chair with amazing speed and was by Jim’s side at the bed in an instant. When his hands reached for Jim, Jim had a second where he almost shrank back, but then Spock’s hands cradled his face with aching gentleness, and his lips leaned in to kiss his lips, as light and as chaste as a butterfly’s wing. And when Spock went to move away, Jim tugged him back, deepening their kiss until he had to break away to breathe.

“I thought…I thought I might never see you again.”

Spock shook his head. He released Jim’s face and sat on the edge of the bed, very near to Jim. “Impossible. Why did you think that?”

“They said you were on your way to Vulcan.”

Spock reached for Jim’s hand and to Jim’s surprise held on to it. “I was but it was never my intention to stay away permanently. How could I?”

“Because you are a professor at the academy.”

“Negative. Because you are here. Nyota was able to stop me before I left for Vulcan, and so I came here.”

Jim searched his eyes but the warmth was back, the affection, and he wanted to believe it so much. “Why-why were you going there in the first place?”

Spock lowered his gaze until he was staring at their linked hands. “Our disagreement was negatively affecting my psyche. My parents thought it best that I visit Vulcan to consult with a healer.”

“And now? Are you okay?”

Spock looked into Jim’s eyes. “I will be if you will forgive me.”

“Are you seeking forgiveness?”

“Yes. That you were so severely injured because of my actions—”

“No.” He squeezed Spock’s hands. “Not your actions. Theirs. And only theirs. Our fight didn’t cause my injuries.”

“Jim—”

He sighed. “I don’t even know what all that was, Spock, I’m not going to lie. I just know I felt…really broken afterward. Emotionally broken. And that was a really bad place to be. To feel.”

“I apologize. I have trouble expressing myself at times properly.”

Jim smiled just a little. “I know. I do. And I know you don’t like my friends, but they _are_ my friends.”

Spock shook his head. “It is not that I dislike them, other than Gary Mitchell—”

“He’s no friend,” Jim interrupted grimly.

“Indeed,” Spock acknowledged. “You may be friends with whomever you like, however, if I find them repugnant like Mitchell, I am unable to remain silent.”

“I see.”

“I do not wish to be controlling, truly,” Spock said. “It is Vulcan nature to be possessive—”

“Isn’t that illogical?”

“Very. It is a trait we brought over from our pre-reform days. It is most…unpleasant to struggle with. And I have, Jim, I assure you. There are times I wish that you would spend all your time with only me and I am quite aware that is unrealistic and perhaps even a bit—”

“Creepy.”

“Bothersome to you. I do not wish to become my father.”

“Your father?”

Spock shrugged slightly. “When my father married my mother, she was generally forced to give up all her prior attachments. Certainly some was because she resided on Vulcan with Father, but he not only did not encourage her friendships with others but I believe discouraged them. Whether intentional or not, I do not know.”

“We’re far from being married, Spock.” Jim shook his head. “I’d only been living there, what, a few weeks?”

Spock nodded. “Yes. I was having a very bad day I found quite unpleasant and disturbing and I wanted you to stay with me instead of going out.”

“I’d been planning that night for weeks. It was the only time we’d all had for quite a while for all of us to get together.” Jim exhaled. “What happened that day?”

“My aunt’s husband died in an accident of his own making because he’d been drinking. He took another life at the same time. As a boy. Aunt Vivian and Uncle Denny, were one of the few prior relationships my mother maintained.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“I talked at length with him about bullying and being different when I was small. I became quite fond of him. One day, when he was drinking, he hit my aunt so hard her head snapped back into the wall. It made a terrible noise. I was witness to it.”

“Spock.”

“How could someone who had helped me deal with bullies be a bully himself? It was a hard lesson to learn. Aunt Vivian took him back after he completed alcohol detox, but I never wanted anything to do with him after that.” Spock closed his eyes briefly, then opened them to look at Jim. “That day I received the word that not only had he returned to his illicit behavior but he had died in the crash that claimed another. I reacted badly to the news.”

Spock looked so sad and sincere and really rather sweet. Completely different than the cold Vulcan that agreed that yes, he regretted having Jim there.

But Jim couldn’t ignore the hollow feel in his chest. “Spock, I’m not your uncle. I’m not going to become some violent abusive drunk.”

“Logically I know that.”

“You have doubts though. I would never ever hurt you.” He was suddenly very weary. “I was abused.”

Spock’s gaze flew to his.

“Stepfather. He didn’t have alcohol as an excuse he was just a mean, bitter bastard. I stopped going to school so I wouldn’t have to explain the bruises but then the school reported me absent so he beat me some more. I don’t-I don’t think there was a day that he didn’t hit me. Any excuse would do. Sometimes no excuse at all. My brother couldn’t take it anymore and left. _Left me_. I acted out then, pretty badly, and got sent to-to Tarsus IV.”

“Jim, I—”

“No.” Jim shook his head. “That’s all done. Water under the bridge, I guess. By the time I got off, Frank had got himself killed in a fight. Spouted his big ugly mouth one too many times. I know that some that are abused become abusers, but I never have, and I never would. And believe it or not, I know when to stop, I know when it’s enough.”

“I did not know about your stepfather,” Spock admitted in a quiet voice.

Jim smiled. “How could you? We haven’t really had a lot of conversations. Our first date, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We’ve always got the physical stuff right. The communication and the emotional stuff? Not so much.”

Spock nodded. “Yes.”

“I should have asked you what was wrong that day,” Jim admitted. “I knew there was something but you were always so, I don’t know, so closed off about _everything_ , I just didn’t. And that was my failing. If you care about someone, you ask them what’s wrong. You talk to them.”

For a moment or two, Spock remained silent, just holding Jim’s hand, and staring at their fingers. Then he looked up. “I did not mean what I said when I implied I regretted asking you to move in.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“Jim—”

“No, Spock. Listen. The thing is, you were right. We were moving way too fast. We were so good at fucking, we _fucked up_ everything else. God, you’re amazing. You are. You turn my insides to mush and you fuck like you mean it.”

Spock’s brows furrowed.

Jim laughed. “Never mind. The point is, we’re both idiots. And maybe we can learn to be a little less so before we make a big step like moving in together. Yeah?”

“You-you do not wish to return to cohabitation?”

“I do. Yes. Eventually. Probably. Unless I fuck it up again. Which with me? I might.”

“I have something to tell you,” Spock said softly.

“Uh-oh. Is it bad?”

Spock shook his head. “Not to me.”

Jim squeezed his hand encouragingly. “What then?”

“You are my t’hy’la.”

"Okay. What is that? What does that mean?"

"We actually are."

Jim frowned. "Are what?"

"Married."


	9. And When You Find Me There, You'll Search No More

Jim burst out laughing which was not at all the reaction Spock expected

“I know this information must be surprising to you.”

“Oh, you’ve no idea.”

Spock tried not to stiffen. “I should explain.”

At that Jim nodded. “On that, we are agreed.”

“First.” And Spock found himself unable to look Jim in the eyes. He still felt much shame for his actions. It was also painful to see the bruises from Jim’s injuries. Whatever Jim said, Spock knew that Jim would not have been beaten had he not sent him away. “I must tell you that I am completely and in all ways in love with you.”

“Me or the blanket on the bed?”

He heard a definite note of amusement in Jim’s voice which seemed definitely unusual for their situation. He dared a glance at Jim. And Jim was definitely wearing a gentle smile.

“You.”

“I’m relieved. Go on, then.”

Spock looked away once more but not at the blanket. His cheeks felt warn and he suspected he was blushing all the way to the tips of his ears. This was difficult but also quite important.

“And even had I not discovered that you were my t’hy’la, I would look upon you with the same level of affection,” Spock said, attempting reassurance. “I am aware that you are not at the place in our…connection where you feel that you can return my love with the degree that—”

“Spock,” Jim interrupted. “You’re stalling. Just tell me what you mean about us being married.”

“We are bonded in the ancient ways of the Vulcans. “

“Bonded. Like handfasting or something?”

“Negative. It is my understanding that what you speak of does not match the level of commitment required in Telsu.”

“Explain, please.”

Spock still did not look at Jim but all amusement had disappeared from Jim’s tone so Spock very much suspected Jim was no longer smiling.

“Vulcan bonds require a mind link. When we are children, we are put through a ceremony with a potential mate similar to a Terran betrothal. The handfasting you refer to, perhaps. A very basic bond is placed between the Vulcan children. It does not affect either until many years later when the Vulcan pair are forced to go through a biological--”

“Spock. That’s not what we have. We didn’t go through that as children. So what do you mean?”

“There is a very rare bond that does not require the betrothal bond I spoke of between children. This is the t’hy’la bond. It is ancient. They date very far back in Vulcan history and as far as I know, one such as ours has not existed in many hundreds of years. They are between warriors, friends. Those that become lovers.”

He felt the tension radiating off of the human next to him.

“And you think this is what we have?”

“I know that it is,” Spock whispered. “I felt it from the very first time that we…completed our initial coupling. While this type of bond may not be recognized by Terrans as a marriage, by Vulcan standards we consider it so.”

There was a long silence and then a tiny sigh. “I see.”

Spock looked at Jim again for the first time in several minutes. He was doing an excellent job of keeping all expression off his face. And since Spock shielded, he got nothing from their shared bond either.

“When were you going to tell me?” Jim asked.

Spock swallowed heavily. “I do not know. I was apprehensive.”

“Why?”

He shook his head. “Can you imagine? Put yourself in my position for a moment, Jim. You have discovered a permanent bond between yourself, both an inferior Vulcan and an inferior Human, and the most extraordinary being you have ever known who could have his pick of anyone. Anyone. All you can think is that he will feel trapped, forced into a relationship of permanence he does not want. It is clear that he finds you sexually attractive, but he holds himself aloof from you in so many ways that the thought of the bond offers you not comfort but endless anxiety.”

“Spock,” Jim whispered.

“I knew that I would have to tell you about it one day, yes, but I could not begin to imagine how I would go about that. As you yourself have said, we do not communicate. I believe this may be the longest conversation we have yet had. As you noted, our physical relationship is beyond satisfactory. But I am…I am not receiving the amount of emotional support and affection I had anticipated from you. From what I would expect from a bondmate.”

“Oh, Spock. I…I don’t know what to say.” Jim reached out and stroked Spock’s hand. “Why is it I can’t feel this bond?”

“I have shielded it from both of us. It did not feel right to have access to your thoughts, feelings, mind, without your knowledge or consent or your desire to have me experience them.”

“Hey.” Jim closed his hand around Spock’s and squeezed. “Look at me again, okay?”

Spock nodded. “I am attempting to but I feel…”

“What?”

“Shame,” he admitted.

“Because of me?” Jim shifted on the bed and suddenly put his hands on Spock’s jaw, turning his face toward Jim. “I’m sorry. I don’t ever want you to feel ashamed with me. I know you’re a Vulcan. You don’t have to shield yourself or hide yourself or be something you aren’t. Ever.”

“But—”

“There is no buts. You think I don’t love you? God, I love you so much it scares me shitless.” Jim laughed. “Okay, bad wording. But I hope you know what I mean. I guess, I don’t know, the aloof part is because I’m afraid of being-being too illogical Human I’ll scare you away.”

“Jim. Just as you said you do not want me to be anything else, I know that you are Human. And I am in love with _you_ and who and what you are.” Spock placed his hands over Jim’s and brought them together off his face. “Your wanting to live apart disturbs me and increases my disquiet, but if that is what you feel is required, then I will accept it.”

Jim’s eyes looked a little watery. “Now I don’t know.”

“Explain.”

“Being apart from you disturbs me too and increases my disquiet.” He laughed, but it sounded wet somehow. “When you told me you regretted—

“I was an ignorant, arrogant fool.”

“You don’t then?”

Spock shook his head. “Not even a little. And I am sorry you find me overbearing and controlling. If you will give me another chance I will be the most relaxed, laid back boyfriend—”

Jim laughed.

“I can be laid back,” Spock insisted.

“Okay, honey. But you aren’t my boyfriend.”

“Jim—”

“Aren’t you my husband or mate or whatever?”

“Only if you accept that. And I will wait. For when you are ready,” Spock whispered. “I would wait a hundred years for you, t’hy’la.”

Jim smiled. “Who knew you were a romantic?”

“I am not but I am serious. If you want to wait to live together or for anything and everything, I will be here. Waiting.”

“Yeah?”

“There is no one else for me.”

Jim pulled him close and kissed him. “I love you. And I don’t want to wait. And I wish I wasn’t in this stupid hospital because I’d be straddling you right now if I wasn’t.”

“Jim.”

He grinned. “I want to live with you. And be with you. All ways and every ways.”

“They took your chair away.”

“I’ll have it brought back,” Jim assured him, moving on the bed until he was in Spock’s lap anyway. No one was around. He looped his arms around Spock’s neck. “And I’m so sorry, Spock. I’m such a dick for not noticing how sad you were and how much you needed me. I swear I’m going to be more attuned to you and your needs, too. And I’ll tell you what I'm thinking.”

Spock nodded. “Thank you. And I will as well. I will never speak thoughtlessly in anger and—”

That brought forth another laugh.

“Oh, yeah, you will, honey. We both will. We’re idiots. Idiots in love. We’re not perfect and we never will be. But you know what?”

“What?”

“We’re perfect for each other.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had the opportunity and place in this story to conclude it to my satisfaction and theirs, so I did so. This one is ended, thank you for reading about these two idiots in love.


End file.
